i never knew

it begin earlier this year. Almost a lifetime ago. And i wrote this somewhere else… and we live a little differently again.

Gratitude. In this dawn.
this last journey.
36 weeks truly seemed like the eternity of the hour… When 28 weeks was a “possibility”. When it went from too little perfusion, to bleeding. From normal to cautious to rest. From statstics to frantic googling. From eating well to supplements to medications. From i never thought abt, to i never knew, to i dont know anymore, irrationality.

When things become uncertain, no matter how remotely, one becomes greedy. For normality. For time. For memories. For certainity.
I never knew, it could be this way.

And hence,
seeing the heaven in the wild flower meant the night wakenings of the boys became precious. So precious. As i listen to the breathing. Watched for the breaths.
And secretly prayed for just a bit longer sometimes,
to the accounting of days
to watch their hands grow bigger
their dreams of policeman or dragonfighters to their calling in this life
to watch the light in their eyes and giggles turn to chuckles or laughter
We cuddle faster. longer. Tighter.

And hence,
The infinity grain of sand distills into, will they be brave. be kind. know God.
And sometimes, that still still persistent voice..
Will they remember me. (Irrational. I know)

When D wakes up shouting or taking to holding my hand asking .. is it today?.. will it hurt if they cut again… Will u die… My world stops at his fear. My fear.
“So Irrational!” Shouts my brain
“but it feels so real” says my heart. Quietly.

Then the whispers over the roaring fears.
No. It wont.
My gentle wonderful doctor replied firstborn. We have God right? We ask. n we wait. N lets get mama n meimei home together when its time.
My husband in his quiet acts of love with the noisy boys. His hands finds mine at every scan, every review. Listening for heartbeat. The rushes of blood. For growth.
And in the dark. Wordlessly.
I hear his heart. His prayers
For her. For me. For our family.
Never once questioning my mammoth anxiety. Always holding. Just quietly there.. when i cry. In the middle of the noisy playground. In the bath. Esp In the absence of reason or logic.

And here we are. Aware of how things are bigger than our questions. Our fears. Our control.
Here we are, closer.
Yet like many who have glimpsed through the glass darkly, we hesitate. Or react tt little bit quicker.
Just in case.
Tt odd taste of anticpation with apprehension.
set up the cot. wash her clothes. make promises we have no answers to. truly who really knows.

Yet. here is that singular true promise.
In the nights of habit, i lay increasingly awake amongst the gentle snores over the weeks.
And i feel i have crossed a line as i, finally, started preparing our thanksgiving gifts today.
Because we give thanks.
even when we dont know.
Even. So.

Its not only divine grace when things turns out well.
Its not faithfulness only when he answers our prayers. He isnt the light at the end of the road.

it is Him. The light in our darkness. In our dawning world. with us. the big n little people we hold so dear. in all that is still good. still wonderful precious things.
right here.

So even before she is born, we know this.
she will be our little Rei
:my shephard.
I shall have no want.
In darkness or in light. My God is here

May your life bear testimony of His faithfulness.
See you in a fortnight (hopefully) sweetheart.

– my hardest post ever.