giving reassurances to a child. in a world that has sometimes, none.
today seemed like a hard day. that was what you feared before this day came.
if you had the vocabulary, an emotionally accurate term would be “shitty”
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and it was so hard. for a month or so we watched you rehearse we never knew you knew existed. and I found it hard. incredibly hard to watch. to hear. to hug you small body as you feared.
on the first day
When he tried and he tries.
And then there is not enough brave.
he broke the moment he caught sight of us.
softly sobbing, mumbling into my heart,
my recently socially conscious son, uncontrolling.
just want to go home mama.. pls go home.
So we.. do what we do.
Knighted him.
Kneeling with his shrunken stature
with a $10 sword at the bus alighting bay
All his words rushed out in the next few minutes,
“Even tho i am not brave and i dislike it and i just want to go away n not be a big boy anymore?”
“Even when i try and im just so lousy at it like forever until i am old like 18?”
“Even if papa and you love me but i am still scared?”
Even so. Especially so.
he didnt, couldn’t understand how proud we are.
And i understand, through the glass darkly,
he cannot do anything to make us love him less Or more
Aptly, the first reading from my husband
:
And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year:
“Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.”
And he replied:
“Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.”
“God Knows” Minnie Louise Haskins
we dont know how you will face tomorrow/s
But
here’s all your comfort food in a big boy lunchbox.
Go into that big wide world, meet/ fight yr goliath.
And we will be here when you get home.
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tree kids in this season 
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