A quiet season

Once I thought this was the busiest part of the journey. As more little people came along and the inevitable bits. Swamped and surrounded. Sometimes special. Often survival. Yet always seasonal. The milestones I re and reread and memorised the websites and blogs. Promises of a “good life” and whatever that entails for that period. The yearning for what we had secretly Squirraled away. Often upon reflection did I realise what I was seeking. That’s what it often seems Like. A search. For that season.

For many moms, breastfeeding. The first nights without struggles or cries. And I must have been so. Because the diaries are inscribed full of my writing. Almost encrypted sometimes. The way I scribbled in the middle of the long winter. nights. Literals.

3 littles later. The same nights fill me with a quietness. Maybe it’s the familiarity. Maybe it’s the knowing. Maybe it’s the hands-up-in-the-air but hey its just for now. Maybe I really don’t know.

Yet this night. Showering so sand filled boys. Hosing them down in the tub. Repeating actions that should have embarassed the inefficient purfurary actions but really didn’t do anything much. As my only nice dress gets half soaked as I scrubbed skins and separated sand embedded into follicles.. And I absent mindedly said you are almost too old for this.

Both chattering boys stopped. Not yet mama. Net yet. We are not so big yet.

And I know what they meant.

The abandoned smiles that makes the world just. Stop. Not because my kids are special. Or incredible. Or anything. But because they are ours. The magic. If I use that term. There is this moment of pause. That halts. That pause in our universe where we see this true unblemished relationship. You are so precious for no other reason except tt you belong to us. We belong together. And no one needs to know. Needs to agree. Needs to.. Compete. We are. Enough. Grateful. We. Are.

So right now. In all the possible. Chaos. In the knowing. That things get mad. Get hard. Weepy. Relentless. Often talked about but with few exceptions, almost overwhelmingly superficially socially sympathetic.. There is a part that is unique to each bond. Easier harder faster slower loving harder loving quietly but deeper. Whatever. Whenever.

But right now. I looked up at my 3 men. And I yelled out.

Thank you so so much. Because this is more than i can be grateful for. Our incredibly good, bad, angry, noisy, patience, kindness I need you, self control in doses pls, tears of surrender and gratitude, I love you so much I don’t know what that is called sometimes..  But now.

Thank you. In the entire universe. In this chattering of childish and child like voices. Or pushes and shoves and then sometimes hugs.

I. Thank you so much.